The Little Blue Cap

Sometimes the simplest of things can evoke much emotion and create lasting memories. Never did I think this would happen with an insignificant object that is normally discarded at the time of use. I also was not aware of how a little blue cap would show me how fragile life is.

It has been over three years since I underwent surgery and chemotherapy as part of my cancer treatment plan. It was a time that I still don’t think I have fully processed, even to this day. All I know is that I am in love with life and hope to create many lasting memories with those who have been with me on this journey.

As you go through surgery and chemotherapy, the experience is quite different for each person. In speaking of my own personal journey, there was so much going on all at once. Appointments, labs, treatment and recovery were all things to navigate. It was challenging to fully grasp that I actually made it through. Things seem to come at you at warp speed. Someone once shared with me that each round of chemo is its own journey. When I first heard this, I was confused. To me round two would be like one and so on. But little did I know how wrong I was.

As I was working and trying to finish up my second master’s degree, I was going through chemo treatments; it may not have been my smartest move to not take a leave of absence, but I really needed to do this to keep my mind and spirit focused on something bigger than me. I immediately learned that I was not made of steel, and I quickly was challenged with how I needed to ask for help. This was something I never wanted to do. I was proud to be independent and an incredible multitasker. Now, I was faced with needing help with the most mundane things like carrying my purse and pouring a cup of tea. Needless to say, it was a blow to my spirit.

About two weeks into my first round of chemo, IV hydration was required. With all the IVs going on, one learns quite a lot about ports, IVs, flushing ports, and hydration. It just becomes common place.

This went on for months.

I got really good at administering my own hydration via my port. I had incredible nurses who taught me very well. My home became a mini clinic with all the durable medical equipment, supplies and medications.

I would hydrate for two to three days after treatment. Bags of normal saline, and heparin flushes were organized and in place at my home. Once a bag is set up on an IV pole, you have to remove the little blue cap to help gravity do its thing. This was something I did all the time: it was nothing out of the ordinary. After each hydration was completed, everything was quickly disposed of and life went on.

As time passed, I completed all my rounds of chemo. Slowly, I focused on trying to regain my strength and endurance. I was moving forward months later, and my heart was so thrilled to feel ‘normal’ again…whatever that meant. One day, I was outside watering plants and off to the corner of my eye I saw something on the front patio. It was a little blue thing. As my eyes focused, I immediately knew what it was. It was a little blue cap from a hydration bag. I have no idea how it got there, or how no one had seen it before.

As I stood there staring at this insignificant little thing, tears instantly were running down my face. I realized at that moment that I had made it through the surgeries and treatments. I had a love-hate relationship with this little blue cap. On the one hand it represented the most painful and darkest feelings I have ever known. However, on the other hand, it also was part of something that helped save my life. I stood there sobbing. My husband rushed out because he thought I had fallen. When I showed him the little blue cap, he went to throw it away to help me not to be sad.

I asked him not to throw it away; I sat down and held it in my hands, and a wave of memories and emotions came rushing over me. We hugged each other with tears in our eyes, tears of joy that I had life and we had so much to be thankful for. The little blue cap represented the fears that I had, and I decided that I did not want fear and pain to live on. I wanted to turn something so difficult into something positive and to embrace it. This became extremely important to me. I then took the little blue cap and incorporated it into a 3D painting of a butterfly soaring high up into the sky. To this day, I reflect on that painting as a symbol of how meaning and life can come out of something so unimportant and how there is so much to be grateful for.

Even if it is just a little blue cap.